What it's not?

I clearly am not the first one to document this. This has been attempted in the past. Yet I can’t really say why I got drawn to the idea of penning this in spite of a no-Eureka moment. Perhaps the urge emerged due to being on THAT side of the fence at some point or marginally still being there. But with evolution I have developed the ability to mock my own actions. While slowly transcending the boundaries, hauling myself to move to the other side, I must admit when I look back it seems fairly exasperating, ghastly and ridiculous there. The yard in question is the FB play field. Every movement here has a meaning. Wish I was born a psychologist or at least studied psychology while the time was right. I would have dissected some like those newspaper agony aunts (you know who I am talking about) ;)

Some of the FB behaviours are decoded below. These are ToM because they are reasonably recent in occurrence or have had ME involved and somehow I had the clairvoyance and sagacity to read between the lines (demon laughter).

Posting pictures with long lost friends- We generally don’t give a fuck about calling or meeting each other regularly but when we meet once in a year or two (by force or chance) we try putting malice behind and hug each other with luuurrvvveeee. Freakshow! we are so enterprising and full of love. The post/picture validates the feeling.

Food pictures- The piece of chicken in the picture tastes like shit. I can’t have it so while it looks half decent let me at least take a picture. Instagram can do the rest for making it look edible. The picture will let the world know what a culinary expert I am and I never settle for anything less that gourmet!

Pictures of babies and kids- I sincerely, really, honestly love my child but while all my single or childless friends are living it up I am going nuts cleaning soiled nappies and child puke. And this retarded kid just doesn’t sleep. Let me take a picture and make a post for some distraction and sanity. At least the picture conveys the joys and sanctity of motherhood. Awwww I am complete now (fuck shit give me alcohol! And take this lump of flesh away to his father who must be in some gutter pissed drunk with his man friends at 3 am!)

Check-in at the airport- International: So what if my company is sending me to China for some donkey/bitch work which entails racking brains with incomprehensible Chinese and swallowing raw, uncooked animals, at least the picture tells the world that I have another stamp on my passport and I have arrived in life. Domestic: I live in a pigeon hole because that is all I can afford. It is always a happy occasion to spend a night or two in a nice hotel at the company’s expense, away from my very own shit hole. A good meal is sometimes all I want/need/crave. And who knows that my girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse is on the verge of dumping me because I am never there and we have endless fights on phone while I am away so much so that I bawl my eyes out in that nice hotel room night after night? Who cares the check-in screams “Jet-setter! Yay! And I have a dream job- middle finger to you MFs ”

Selfie- I am living in denial of the fact that I am self-obsessed. Some time ago I blatantly and unabashedly accepted the truth; “I am a narcissist, main apni favourite hun”, on public forums and now I post one selfie a day. Even my profile picture is a selfie. However who knows of the gruelling grind behind that one right angle- I spend endless hours staring into the mirror cursing the Lord for sculpting that face. Bathroom is my haven where no one bothers me. I strike innumerable poses, make sure the light is right, the nose doesn’t look crooked, the pout is right, hair obviously right, face- pretty, fresh and young, to get that one out of one million photo right which can then be improved through Instagram amounting to “HOT!!!”. The target this time around is 50 likes. That would validate that I look hot and pretty and also improves my self confidence which I otherwise awfully lack L

Game of Thrones updates- I heard about this fad some time back. They kept saying GoT GoT, winter is coming etc. Sounded cool and hep so I Googled and finally got that GoT stands for Game of Thrones and it is in its fourth season now. So what if I know jack about last three or GRRM and the books he wrote, I can always catch up later. But for now let us post about Ep 8 Season 4. Hey I am thrilled because I am intellectual for following a period drama and being informed because I am a part of a global phenomenon!!

RIP messages- Who did you say passed away today? Yeah! I heard that in the passing on FM, let me see is there is more of it on FB. There is. It must have been someone famous, with a cult following. What was the name again? Let me Google- “Which famous author died today?”- Yes Mary Angelou!!! She was much more than an author. Excellent! Let me pick her singer, dancer attribute because I can totally relate and write a post around it. Done. 6 like minded people who were ardent followers of Mary Angelou liked my post. Happy shiny day!